Monday, May 25, 2009

What Did You Push??!!

I spent a large part of this holiday weekend with family in northern Indiana. Saturday night included a bonfire with s'mores, Sunday included juicy grilled chicken, Butterfinger dessert (a concoction so good that it must include an illegal substance), and hillbilly golf (the next 'it' event at the Olympics), and today included two very different trips to the Shipshewana Flea Market.

My sister and I took an early morning trip and whipped through the 900+ vendor flea market in 1 1/2 hours. It was relatively quiet, we parked in the first row, and I purchased a 1985 Goonies character glass with Sloth on it.

That's right; I'm a rock star.

I returned an hour later with my stepmom, a friend visiting from Florida, and her three-year-old daughter to face the largest crowd I've seen at the flea market ... um ... ever. We parked in the back "vendor" parking lot and I nearly maimed several people simply getting to the booths.

Question: Why is it that "Oh, look Edna, isn't that sweet" must be accompanied by said Edna wandering slowly and aimlessly into the center of the row before halting completely to look around with slightly glazed eyes? Or better yet, a family of four or more doing the same. These people move as if their winder is winded and they are destined to grind slowly to a halt ... directly in front of me. Always ... directly in front of me. Oh, except the eerie old man in the white hat who decided to fondle the three-year-old's head as if directing her away from us when he thought we weren't watching! Pappy nearly got knee'd.

The wee one with us managed just several rows before it was clear that she just wasn't going to make it. So, we headed to the produce row for some fruit, jam, and homemade ice cream then crawled in traffic to JoJo's Pretzels downtown in the Davis Mercantile. The pretzels were amazing as usual and my stepmom treated us to blended mochas as well. Ice cream, pretzels, and mochas, oh my! Our sugar level buzzing, we nevertheless headed to the elevator to ride up and see the fully-restored 1906 Carousel on the Mercantile's top floor.

The four of us cram into the elevator with several other people and my stepmom pushes the floor button, the doors close, and the following 30-second Twilight Zone episode then punctuated our midday Shipshewana visit:

[Disembodied voice] "Hello? Hello?!"

We look at each other dumbfounded and see that the phone button in the elevator is blinking.

I immediately accuse my stepmom of a digit mishap: "What did you PUSH!!??"

"I didn't push that!"

[Disembodied voice] "Hello?? Hello????!!?"

I say, "Are you sure?" as I push the 'cancel call' button several times.

[Disembodied voice] "Hello?? Hellooooooo??"


I gave up. "Hellooo?"

[Disembodied voice] "Hello. Are the shops in the Mercantile open?"


Seriously ...


I answer, "Yes, they are."

[Disembodied voice] "Is the whole town open today?"

"Yes, it is."

[Disembodied voice] "Oh good! Thank you!"


*Ding* as the doors open.

Theories? How did a customer service call, or ANY call for that matter, get transferred INTO the elevator? And what did the caller think was going on at the other end (our end) of that call?

(260) 768-7300 if you figure out that answer 'cause the Mercantile is looking into it - or if you just have any questions about the shops or special events.

Friday, May 22, 2009

The Glory of Solo Movies and Vexation of the Seat Between

Going to the movies - a few questions:

Will you go see a movie by yourself or must there always another person with you? I know some individuals who refuse to go to the theater alone. I honestly don't understand the negative. I love going to the movies alone. Why? Well ... let's see ...
  1. I sit wherever I want to sit. Not in the back or middle ... I generally walk in and go one row closer to the front from the walkway. Often there is no one in front of me or, you know, anywhere near me, which, given my general hatred for people (see introduction), is a desirable result.
  2. I eat what I want to eat. NO, I don't want to share a popcorn. I don't eat movie theater popcorn. Give me a hot, soft pretzel with cheese, please. [One exception, Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory's Rocky Pop with white and dark chocolate drizzled over it. I LOVE the fact that Celebration North allows you to take in goodies from the RMCF next door. Oh, sweet goodness thy name is Rocky Pop.]
  3. I arrive before the previews. Pullease. Part of the fun of seeing a movie in the theater is seeing previews on the big screen and that building anticipation for the next great flick. [HP6 is going to be soooooooo sweet!]
  4. And I stay for the credits. Why the hurry? Not only can you answer those nagging questions (why does Spock's mom look so familiar??) but more and more movies have an extra scene at the end. The alcohol will still be there, buddy. Sit your ass down.

Try it! Start out small with a weekday matinee on your next day off. There will be fewer people if your problem is some social phobia about being alone ... which brings me to the next two questions.

Dude, seriously ... I'm the only person currently sitting in the entire theater and you need to sit right in front of/beside/in back of me? Why? Why, why, why, when there is a sea of seats open to you, must you be near me?

Do you honestly believe that sitting next to your buddy makes you gay? I recently went to see Sunshine Cleaning (wonderful movie, highly recommend) and the theater happened to be much busier than usual (curse my decision to wait for the 6:20 showing on a Saturday night). I was there early after shopping and settled in ... exactly where I wanted to be ... one row down and in the middle ... aaaaaah. I yum yummed through my hot pretzel, sipped my D. Coke, and zoned out to the pre-movie trivia and promos. The theater started filling up around me. One couple sat two seats to my left ... another couple sat two seats to my right.

Then I see three guys come down the row in front of me. You know exactly what happened, right? Yep. Homophobe, empty seat, homophobe, empty seat, homophobe. Actually, I shouldn't say homophobe because I doubt these guys were actually worried about catching a sexual preference from each other; more likely they were worried about what others would think of them - more akin to a social phobia than homophobia. Normally, I would just shake my head (silly boys) and enjoy the movie. Not that day. That day it was so crowded that a woman from a group who came in at the END OF THE PREVIEWS tapped me on the shoulder and asked if I could move over a seat.


I did. Not doing so seemed bitchy. So, outwardly I was a sweet woman while the real Justabitch was exploding in my head in all directions with thoughts of, "NO, sorry, see, I actually got here before the lights went down and the previews started so that I could sit where I want to sit ... which is right where my ass is going to remain! Suck it up, sit up front, and get here earlier next time!"


Under those circumstances, having Darryl, Darryl, and Darryl cautiously acknowledging each others' existence from a seat away really yoinked my happy. Guys, the next time you go to the movies with your buddy, dare to believe that sitting next to them won't 1) result in either of you molesting the other or 2) somehow affect the opinion of anyone about whom you should give a shit.