Friday, May 22, 2009

The Glory of Solo Movies and Vexation of the Seat Between

Going to the movies - a few questions:

Will you go see a movie by yourself or must there always another person with you? I know some individuals who refuse to go to the theater alone. I honestly don't understand the negative. I love going to the movies alone. Why? Well ... let's see ...
  1. I sit wherever I want to sit. Not in the back or middle ... I generally walk in and go one row closer to the front from the walkway. Often there is no one in front of me or, you know, anywhere near me, which, given my general hatred for people (see introduction), is a desirable result.
  2. I eat what I want to eat. NO, I don't want to share a popcorn. I don't eat movie theater popcorn. Give me a hot, soft pretzel with cheese, please. [One exception, Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory's Rocky Pop with white and dark chocolate drizzled over it. I LOVE the fact that Celebration North allows you to take in goodies from the RMCF next door. Oh, sweet goodness thy name is Rocky Pop.]
  3. I arrive before the previews. Pullease. Part of the fun of seeing a movie in the theater is seeing previews on the big screen and that building anticipation for the next great flick. [HP6 is going to be soooooooo sweet!]
  4. And I stay for the credits. Why the hurry? Not only can you answer those nagging questions (why does Spock's mom look so familiar??) but more and more movies have an extra scene at the end. The alcohol will still be there, buddy. Sit your ass down.

Try it! Start out small with a weekday matinee on your next day off. There will be fewer people if your problem is some social phobia about being alone ... which brings me to the next two questions.

Dude, seriously ... I'm the only person currently sitting in the entire theater and you need to sit right in front of/beside/in back of me? Why? Why, why, why, when there is a sea of seats open to you, must you be near me?

Do you honestly believe that sitting next to your buddy makes you gay? I recently went to see Sunshine Cleaning (wonderful movie, highly recommend) and the theater happened to be much busier than usual (curse my decision to wait for the 6:20 showing on a Saturday night). I was there early after shopping and settled in ... exactly where I wanted to be ... one row down and in the middle ... aaaaaah. I yum yummed through my hot pretzel, sipped my D. Coke, and zoned out to the pre-movie trivia and promos. The theater started filling up around me. One couple sat two seats to my left ... another couple sat two seats to my right.

Then I see three guys come down the row in front of me. You know exactly what happened, right? Yep. Homophobe, empty seat, homophobe, empty seat, homophobe. Actually, I shouldn't say homophobe because I doubt these guys were actually worried about catching a sexual preference from each other; more likely they were worried about what others would think of them - more akin to a social phobia than homophobia. Normally, I would just shake my head (silly boys) and enjoy the movie. Not that day. That day it was so crowded that a woman from a group who came in at the END OF THE PREVIEWS tapped me on the shoulder and asked if I could move over a seat.


I did. Not doing so seemed bitchy. So, outwardly I was a sweet woman while the real Justabitch was exploding in my head in all directions with thoughts of, "NO, sorry, see, I actually got here before the lights went down and the previews started so that I could sit where I want to sit ... which is right where my ass is going to remain! Suck it up, sit up front, and get here earlier next time!"


Under those circumstances, having Darryl, Darryl, and Darryl cautiously acknowledging each others' existence from a seat away really yoinked my happy. Guys, the next time you go to the movies with your buddy, dare to believe that sitting next to them won't 1) result in either of you molesting the other or 2) somehow affect the opinion of anyone about whom you should give a shit.


  1. It's hard being you, isn't it? This is a great post.

  2. Leaving another comment like a dummy. I was thinking more about this and it totally sums up my life. I go through life being the most efficient, organized, prompt, prepared person around - because I like order and I like to make things as easy and stressfree as possible for myself - but it never fails, stupid people always get in the way at the last minute and cause me angst. I am totally feeling your movie theater pain!

  3. I know! At such times I'm often left with that feeling that I should be one of those people who just let these things roll of their back ... laid back ... no problem, etc. Ironically, I think one reason I'm not is a bit like the golden rule ... because I wouldn't do that to someone else!

  4. See, I'm not the only person that leaves an open seat between me and the person I'm with when I go to the movies.

  5. Yes, yes, by all means you should be proud to align yourself with those three irritants, one of whom was also continually reading texts so that I had a strobe effect to my lower left. It's a wonder I didn't lapse into a seizure.

  6. I love going to the movies by myself. In fact, when the kids were younger and I needed to run away from home, I'd leave them with hubby and go to a cheesy chick flick, sit where I wanted (I prefer the back...too close makes me dizzy) Eat SweetTarts and not share and cry unashamedly at syrupy "happily ever after" endings. BEST. THERAPY. EVER.

  7. "Often there is no one in front of me or, you know, anywhere near me, which, given my general hatred for people (see introduction), is a desirable result."

    You and I are WAY to freakin' similar. It's just scary at this point.