Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Nope, I haven't.

I haven't told you much lately.

I've been out of touch, off the "grid", lazy and mute.

My last post was August 2012.  What's happened since then?

I crashed and burned; that's what.

Crashed. Burned. Gained 20+ lbs above the already 40+ I was over "normal" weight.

So ... this is a purging.  A purging of my failure.  What can I say?  I'm tired of being silent about a slow increase, slow failure, slow delusion I used to cover the up 5 lbs but no one will notice.  Up 10 lbs but I love to eat.  Up 20 lbs but I love to drink.  Up and up and up ... I always had an excuse.  A rationalization.  A reason why it wasn't time yet.

Time for what?

Time for me to get my act the hell together.  Time to stop procrastinating.

I worked out harder than ever before last summer.  Boot camp, city classes, climbs up the 140+ stairs on Division.  I worked out ... and expanded.  I worked out ... and gained. 

And I broke.  That's the only way I can really describe it.  I broke.  I went off the deep end of dieting/eating/trying to be healthy.  Or, perhaps more correctly, I fell off the wagon.  'Cause let's not kid ourselves friends and stalkers ... I'm addicted to food.  I'm a foodaholic.  Sugaraholic.  Carbaholic.  What-the-hell-ever-aholic covers the 'holic I am.

When I continued to expand despite my 5:30 a.m. boot camp ... I broke.

I stopped exercising ... completely.

I stopped curbing what I ate ... completely.

Papa John's and I entered into an intimate relationship.  Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory became my friend.  I. Didn't. Care. Anymore.

And I packed on another 20 lbs by Christmas. 

I felt miserable.  Ashamed.  Hopeless even.

See ... I did this already.  I lost the weight already.  I got in shape already.  DAMMIT.  What the HELL am I doing back "here" again?  Buying bigger and bigger sizes.  Turning away from pictures.  Putting non-me pictures as my profile on Facebook (you know ... the important things).

I broke.

And, I'm ashamed to say, I waited until I am well on my way to "fixed" before I admitted it.

I went back to the program that helped me before (in 2006); I went back to Spectrum Health and opted for the strict 12 week to 18 week program.  From January 3rd for 12 weeks, I consumed 800-900 calories a day of mostly protein.  [Oh, yes, you "read" me correctly - 800-900 calories.]  Then I added in regular food again and am back to about 1200 calories day.

From January 3rd to now, I've lost 51 lbs.  About five months.

I've gone from a size of (one pair of dress pants) 18 to size 8-10.  A reset, if you will.

And now the real work begins.  What's that?  Haven't I already done the "real work"? 

Oh, hell no.

The REAL work is maintaining once I reach my goal weight.  The real work is finding the healthy balance of eating healthy and living well. 

After all ... I'm not getting any younger. 

[I had to stop and laugh a few minutes at that.]

So ... what did I do wrong the first time?  Am I destined to revisit this hell every 5-7 years?  That's both difficult and easy to answer at the same time. 

I stopped going.

I stopped going to group.

Does that sound like an addict's statement?  'Cause it should.

 I'm addicted.

I stopped going to my group meetings - Wednesday nights. 

Group meetings for fatties?  Whaaaat? 

Absolutely.  Group meetings in which we keep accountability.  We revisit information on nutrition, on exercise, on behavior modification.  Most importantly for me ... accountability.  I thought I had this covered.  I thought ... no problem, I know what I need to do.  Well ... that's true.  I know what I need to do BUT that doesn't mean I'll do it. 

So where am I now?  I'm down 51 lbs and am not yet where I want to be.  Where I KNOW I can be because I've been there before.  I'm still going to group even though I'm done with the main program.  I'm still journaling the calories I consume (alcohol is a bitch BTW). 

And I just signed up for boot camp again.

I have to face my fear that hard exercise will equal weight GAIN and inch EXPANSION.  I know now that I let myself eat way more than I should last summer because I was working out so hard.  My hormones were crazy (over 40 is a BIIIIITCH).  I didn't account for water retention and inflammation from sore muscles.  Oh, yeah ... I've thought A LOT about this.  And I know I need to face my fear. 

So, last night I started back with boot camp with the army assessment test.  [And I suck but it's okay 'cause I DID it.]

I'm back on track ... full steam ahead ... goal in mind.

Oh ... and another difference. 

I'm doing this for me.

I've no thought of getting in shape for a guy.  Even a fictional maybe guy.  Guys were SOOOOO pre-40.  I'm done with that.  Seriously.  Mr. Right would now have to be Mr. Incredibly-No-Fucking-Way-Right for it to 'cause me any pause.  No offense guys.

I'm just finally at that space in life where I have my home the way I like it.  My activities the way I like them.  My life the way I like it.  There's just no room for you.  [Evil laugh.]

This is ALL for me.

And that's perfect.


There it is - hello after 10 months.  I totally swear I didn't have a baby (although I've lost the equivalent of a 6 year old in weight).



  1. Hello,

    I found your blog a few days ago and was really hoping you'd update it again. So I was happy to see that you have done so!

    I feel as if you've expressed my exact thoughts and feelings on the weight-loss issue - the issue that I share with you. I can't seem to lose the extra weight I have, or when I do manage to lose a bit of it, I gain it all right back. And oh how I love my excuses for being a lazy fatass. There's always something more important to do.

    The thing that got to me about your blog post was the last thought: doing it all for yourself, and not for guys. The last time I lost 40 lbs was for a guy. And now that the guy in question is no longer in my life, I can't seem to get motivated. I wish I found myself to be a good enough a reason to get my ass up and moving.

    Sorry for the rant. Thank you for sharing your story! It's truly inspiring. And good luck to you in the future!

    1. Ms. Lovejoy (love the name!),

      Thanks so much for your comments; it isn't easy putting myself out there for public consumption (and, at times, judgments) so your response is most welcome and appreciated.

      I wish I knew the perfect thing to say to impress upon you just how 'good enough' you truly are, how worthy of health and happiness. Look at how you made my day already this morning by your kind words! Every single individual on this earth has the potential to do wondrous things - big and small - and we need to start treating ourselves with respect. I know it's cheesy (for want of a better word), but the pebble in the water anology is true. One act of kindness can have rippling effects. One smile, one open door, one comment and you've had an impact on someone else's day. Let's face it, Lovejoy, we are powerful. You are powerful.

      And you should begin today. Small stuff really does add up. Walk the set of stairs rather than take an elevator to the 2nd floor. Walk to get your coffee. Take a stroll after dinner. Three 10-minute walks and you've now got 30 minutes of exercise in that you didn't before. AND ... 30+ minutes of exercise each day has been found to have the benefit of a low dosage antidepressant. [Well, hellooo, my natural prozac!]

      Seriously, though. You're worth it and you owe it to yourself to not go a single more day without seeing that. If you continue to have a low opinion of yourself, I totally recommend finding a shrink. I honestly think anyone and everyone would benefit from having a counselor - some unbiased person who tells it to you straight and who does not judge you. Hang in there, Aston.

  2. Thank you for the reply!

    You, in return, have made my day as well with your encouraging words. I was debating between smiling like a fool and crying like a baby over the things you wrote. So thank you, for taking the time out of your day to respond to my comment! It's much more appreciated, especially today, than you could imagine.

    You are right about it all, of course. The small stuff when starting workouts, the shrink, the worthiness, and the powerfulness (new words?). All true. Only need to get a move on! And I am planning on making a change for the better this summer, before yet another birthday arrives (the next one is looming around the corner in 20 or so days, yikes).

    So thank you, again! Your blog is helpful, fun and enjoyable to read. And if you don't mind, I will continue reading your blog and commenting to let you know that someone is out here, enjoying your stories!

  3. Wow. WOW! Go you!

    I hate congratulating people for losing weight; it made me feel so conspicuous and patronised when I was myself losing weight. So I'm not congratulating you for that. I'm congratulating you for MAKING A GOAL and STICKING TO IT and KICKING SOME DAMN ASS. What an inspiration! I've felt in the doldrums myself for the past few months. And look at you go! May we all feel such power. :)