Sunday, February 14, 2010

Evil Holiday 2010

It's a new decade, lady and gents; therefore, I'll be handling this annual forced recognition of my singlehood ... eh, pretty much the same way I've "handled" it in the past.  With much growling and gnashing of various inanimate objects, which are incapable of protest or screams. 

Except the shredder.  Apparently a shredder can scream.  Loudly.

So, I was sitting on my loveseat (the purchase of Evil Holiday 2009), comfy and oh-so-classy in my pajamas, red flannel robe (I do not kid, sir), and ... wait for it ... uber-sexy facial mask, and thought, "The time is now."

eHarmony. Yep. [Said while making a big popping sound at the end.]

I just spent two HOURS filling out an eHarmony questionnaire that made me think way too much.  And I'm not talking about the typical "what are you looking for" questions of other dating sites.  I'm talking questions ranging from how adventurous are you (eh, define adventurous - sue me, I'm an attorney) to how stable are you (and I loved that "somewhat" was a smack-in-the-middle choice).  I was asked in at least three different ways how important monogamy was in a serious relationship.  Really??  I'm curious to see, just see, the individuals who marked "not at all" to that question. 

What are the four attributes my friends would say best describe me?  Um ... can I have my friends answer that?  Because to say "intelligent" "funny" "loyal" and "caring" myself seems like cheating since it really doesn't cover the "funny girl but can be a pain in the ass" crowd or the "so incredibly sweet even though I've only just met her" newbie who, yeah, really must have just met me. 

And the answers to so many questions about the potential match depend on ... the potential match. 
  • How important is your match's educational level? Well, how cute are we talking here?
  • How often can your match smoke? Well, does that question encompass only cigarettes (NEVER) or does it also include a cigar a few times a year (totally fine).
  • How important is your match's religious views? Um, something the opposite of zealot but not so cynical as to make fun of others who believe differently.  Does that equate to "somewhat"? 
  • Are you open to a match who has young children living at home? Absolutely ... providing we're not talking some kid named Damien with a weird numeric birthmark.  Or some mighty brood the likes of which will induce my remaining eggs to shrivel up in some mass eggicide.
See. It depends. 

Finally, there did not appear to be any definitive questions about cooking that would allow me to proclaim my anti-Betty status before some poor shmuck comes over expecting homemade cooking made by someone other than my Papa John (he's an excellent Papa ... he'll even deliver). 

Ah well, we'll see.

Shouldn't I be more excited about this whole process? Yeah, I thought so, too.

Ah well ... we'll see!

1 comment:

  1. I laughed so hard I think I hurt something. We should introduce our red robes. Perhaps they would be a match.