It took ten days for my calm to be truly damaged.
Ten days for a full-on break-down.
To find myself feeling real fear.
To repeatedly murmur, "I'm going to be okay," like some goddamned psycho.
This whole experience has remained largely surreal to me. It's a bit like watching someone else's life. Me? I don't have breast cancer. I mean, right, I do. Right. They've said that but ... it'll be fine. It's just a little bit. Of cancer. Which by definition involves abnormal cell growth that invades other parts of your body. And it's in me. Right now. Spreading. Cells splitting into other fucked up cells.
I try to feel the tumor and I can't. When would I have actually noticed this by touch? How much farther along would it be had I waited another month or two or six to get a mammogram? Shit, how much farther along will this be by Monday? In another week?
One of my best friends is fighting this right now; has been for two years. And her cancer is in various areas of her body. I don't think I truly understood this aspect of it before. And mine is (hopefully) very early and very treatable and, if the first doctor is correct, soon to be in my rear view mirror of life.
I want it out now.
I want it cut out NOW.
Rear view mirror. Right. Screw seeing anything in the mirror. Let's toss that shit out the car window, preferably as we're rounding a curve on a cliff and watch it tumble down hundreds of feet to explode into a giant ball of fire never to be seen again.
I'm no longer murmuring to myself. [Good sign.]
I believe I'll feel better tomorrow. Of course, my stepmom will be here tomorrow. The first of my family that I'll see in person after this whole mess started. I'm a little worried about that. Even with my break-down tonight, I'd like to keep the blubbering to a minimum and I've no idea how family in flesh will affect me. I'm afraid it will make it even more real.
And I quite like the surreal, thank you.
I trust I'll feel better by Monday night. Monday night there will be a plan.
Waiting really is the hardest part. At least right now.