Ever since the unfortunately named Dr. Pennes walked into the ultrasound room and uttered, "You have a little bit of cancer," I've been steadfastly and happily planting myself in a surreal version of life. It just hasn't seemed real.
Little bit of ...
Didn't that use to be the name of a candy bar? Right. Bit O'Honey. Instead of honey I've got a Bit O'Cancer.
Just a bit ... but, well, yes, it's just a bit but see it's an ANGRY bit. An angry bit of grade 3 triple negative, you see. That's a bit of aggressive, that is ... just a bit of aggressive cancer. Nothing to worry about. Just a ....
.... what's that? Oh ... yes, well, there are also a couple of "suspicious" areas on the outer sides of, well, of both breasts but ... MRIs can lie, don't you know. Yes, they can show things that aren't actually cancer so don't you worry ... let's just stick a few more needles in and check, shall we?
Just a couple of needles
Here, get on your stomach again and, well, wait, we need to put another IV in so we can send that icy, stinging contrast through, the better to see the suspicious bits, you know. Now hover and aim well, there you go, right into those two holes because that's the most comfortable thing in the world, isn't it. Now hold still.
No, really ... you must NOT move. We'll just roll you into the MRI tube and take a quick picture and, now don't move, roll you out and insert the needles, don't move, now roll you back into the tube for more images to make certain the needles are well placed and now roll you ... don't move ... out again and
take the biopsies.
At least that is how I'm imagining it will be come tomorrow. And, as you can probably tell, I'm writing this while Downton Abbey is playing in the background. Just picture Mrs. Patmore and/or Mrs. Hughes saying the above and you'll see.
And now surgery of some kind is on Friday, and I won't know what kind of surgery I'm having until Tuesday or Wednesday. Is the cancer still believed to be an angry little dot on the upper inside of one breast? Or will I find out it has spread throughout the breast or, perhaps, is represented in both.
Or further. Will it be found in my lymph nodes?
The surreal nature of this mayhem is finally cracking for me.
And I don't like it one bit.
One angry little bit.